The year of 2020 has given me many experiences. No matter what, all of them have been crafted deeply in my heart, Alhamdulillah. This year marks the end and the beginning of many things in my life. As long as the soul is still in the body, during that time all endings and beginnings will alternate in recorded rotation.
"I am marching into my own pace in my own path and will always be."
Normal standards that apply to the average person do not always have to be a reference. After all, I have been through my life for more than 3 decades without much heeding to these standards, and it's okay. For me, life is more exciting to be lived like this, run through the adventures in my own definition, not from the definitions set by others. If other people want to join me, that's great, otherwise that's great too. Because at the end of the day, we are all alone and will be responsible for our deeds only, not others'.
Someone once asked me: "Have you ever want to have a permanent job, a permanent house, or a family of your own?"
I don't know how to answer these questions properly. All I know, I never intend to dedicate my life just to pursue those "permanent-permanent club". I try to pursue something more essential than that: "How do I hold the responsibility for my life later after the death?" Again, if those "permanent-permanent club" ever pass by my life, it's great, otherwise it's great too. Because, this worldly life is basically not permanent either. Yes, "back to the basic" often works to answer those questions.
I have challenged myself in what I consider big: breaking boundaries. The first: breaking the limit of my intellectuality by challenging myself to complete my Ph.D journey. The second: breaking the limit of my independence by challenging myself to travel alone to foreign places. The first and the second one turn out to be addicting, it's not easy to brake them either. And the third one: breaking through the limit of my courage by challenging myself to be true to my own feelings. The third one sounds cliché, but it was one of the boldest moves in my life and I never regret it. So far, I've only ever loved 2 men besides my father and my brother. (Thank you for passing by my life, by the way). And I told them, if time has the limit and it is the death and/or the Judgment Day, I love them until the end of time, truly. Because after that, I can't help anyone and can't be helped by anyone other than Allah.
After completing those three challenges during this year, it's already more than enough for myself, and I shall continue on the next journeys to be more useful to others, hopefully inshaa Allah.
People around me often consider me as a "free spirit". And I am always looking forward to meet many more "kindred spirits" during my lifetime. Even though, I don't care much about those terminologies.
Someone else also once asked me: "Have you ever felt lonely being yourself that's often considered unconventional by others?"
Maybe yes sometimes, but most of the time, no. I feel completely complete. I am not saying that I am always happy. Happiness is just a bonus and I believe it's the state of mind, not the state of others' presences. I don't pursue it because this world is not the place of the true happines. This world is not the resting place, it's the testing place. My life has been also in many ups and downs, but I never have a reason to not love it. Yes, I love my life unconditionally until the day I meet My Rabb inshaa Allah. Hopefully, you too.
PS. I am in the process of writing my third book, I don't know when it will be finished, but I am excited to introduce it to the world someday inshaa Allah. Again, first thing first, need to arrange the priorities.
Bandung, 13 November 2020.
Photo courtesy: Michael Binuko. He once told me, "It's you, an anomaly".
